Qouphy’s first test at a satirical dialogue between two middle aged men en route to a place of convenience for the normal ritual of easing one’s bowels. I’mma call them Kofi Yesu and Yaw Abomrik.
K Yesu: Bra Yaw, “ye nu ntem”, let’s get going. There’s fire on the mountain.
Yaw: Gimme two mins, let me pick the “eburo dua”
K Yesu: make sure they are enough, the last time I had to use my handkerchief.
Yaw: worry not! Kwaku Ntobro the Zoomlion employed KVIP special assistant will be there selling some old newspapers.
We can use them as “spare”. “3yaa susu di kwadu”, it gives u free bowel.
K Yesu: I suspect the palm wine I took last night. I think it’s the cheap type imported from Abidjan. I think they mixed it with gunpowder because of the civil unrest there lately.
Yaw: “nkwasiasem”, if it was mixed with gunpowder, there would have been numerous holes in your panty by now from frequent flatulence.
[Arrival at Essien’s commissioned special KVIP]
K Yesu: herh, Kwaku Ntobro, give me 10 pesewas of special cut newspaper. I prefer The Times newspaper. It contains less color and it will not aggravate my “kokobo”.
Yaw: give me Ebony Newspaper, it contains a lot of nude pictures and it’s good for a constipated stomach.
[Chamber 1 and 2 are empty and both are adjoining. Both men enter a separate “war room”]
K Yesu: damn!!! I forgot my Kingsize “jot”. Now I have to endure this stench.
K Yesu: “aboa funu”, are you laughing at my misfortune?
Yaw: no, I just saw something funny in the newspaper.
K Yesu: what? Did they put a picture of you in the newspaper? I am sure your picture must have caused havoc, panic and fear.
Yaw: at least I have not been restricted from entering any maternity ward in any hospital. There’s an embargo on you.
K Yesu: me? Why?
Yaw: well, apparently as soon as the newborns set their eyes on you, they die of convulsion, spasm and extreme fear.
The women in labour automatically have forced labour.
K Yesu: it appears you are still suffering from dementia.
Yaw: the funny article in the newspaper is about a guy complaining of his inability to perform his bedroom chores. Apparently his manhood looks like it was made in China. Very, very small.
K Yesu: Well I have one advice for him. He needs to get “ataya”, “esuru wisa”, “hwentea”, “Agya Appiah Aduro Ye “Bitters. Mix all together; let the concoction stand for about a day and then drink. If by 24 hours his “Kwaku azigiza” hasn’t increased ten folds, then he shouldn’t call me K Yesu. He should ask my wife, when I “spark” my “nikanika” it’s like Akosombo Dam has opened a spillway.
Yaw: hahahahaha! What advice do you have for one-minute men?
K Yesu: tie their “Kwaku little” with “etire bor ahuma”. The poor bastard will last for eternity.
Yaw: K Yesu, you are well versed in the art of sexology and other matters. Is that your only field of speciality?
K Yesu: “bisa mi asem biaaa”
Yaw: a big woman and a slim woman, what’s your choice?
K Yesu: “k3si3 50, Kitiwa 50”, why go for the small one when both are the same price?
Yaw: Star Beer, Guinness, Alvaro and “apeteshie”, which one is your favorite and least favorite?
K Yesu: “apeteshie” is my favourite because it’s cheap and has the same effect as any other liquor. I dislike alvaro because it gives “dwonso yadi3”
Yaw: IC Quaye and Mike Ocquaye, who will win most handsome award?
K Yesu: none, they both make mirrors crack.
Yaw: your favorite tourist destination?
K Yesu: Abidjan
K Yesu: Mapouka women…
Yaw: but women are not tourist attraction?
K Yesu: that’s only if they come from your village. They are seen as gods in your village.
Yaw: Your favorite football player.
K Yesu: Dada Don Bortey, unsuccessful at landing an international career, successful at stealing international artifacts.
Yaw: Favorite politician
K Yesu: Tony Aidoo
K Yesu: the only man who is intoxicated in his sober state.
Yaw: who is a headmaster’s best pal?
K Yesu: bursar and matron. You arrest one, you arrest all.
Yaw: How do you call a man who has high affinity for women with big booty?
K Yesu: J.A.K
Yaw: what’s J.A.K?
K Yesu: you want me in jail don’t you?
Yaw: who will win a 100m dash? Attah or a crippled tortoise?
K Yesu: a legless tortoise will still win anyway.
Yaw: how do you call an offspring of a white and black parent?
K Yesu: Jerry
Yaw: do you believe the current inflation figure?
K Yesu: do you believe in fairy tales?
Yaw: favorite pastor?
K Yesu: Kristo Asafo, the only pastor who has UB Hair Relaxer.
Yaw: Most biased TV program.
K Yesu: “mmaa nkomo”, she never talks about skin bleaching and its adverse effect.
K Yesu: herh Yaw, pass me the “eburo dua”!!! I’m done!