The Atonko Paradox – by Qouphy Appiah Obirikorang

Prologue:

Qouphy’s first test at a satirical dialogue between two middle aged men en route to a place of convenience for the normal ritual of easing one’s bowels. I’mma call them Kofi Yesu and Yaw Abomrik.

 

K Yesu: Bra Yaw, “ye nu ntem”, let’s get going. There’s fire on the mountain.

 

Yaw: Gimme two mins, let me pick the “eburo dua”

 

K Yesu: make sure they are enough, the last time I had to use my handkerchief.

 

Yaw: worry not! Kwaku Ntobro the Zoomlion employed KVIP special assistant will be there selling some old newspapers.

We can use them as “spare”. “3yaa susu di kwadu”, it gives u free bowel.

 

K Yesu: I suspect the palm wine I took last night. I think it’s the cheap type imported from Abidjan. I think they mixed it with gunpowder because of the civil unrest there lately.

 

Yaw: “nkwasiasem”, if it was mixed with gunpowder, there would have been numerous holes in your panty by now from frequent flatulence.

 

[Arrival at Essien’s commissioned special KVIP]

 K Yesu: herh, Kwaku Ntobro, give me 10 pesewas of special cut newspaper. I prefer The Times newspaper. It contains less color and it will not aggravate my “kokobo”.

 

Yaw: give me Ebony Newspaper, it contains a lot of nude pictures and it’s good for a constipated stomach.

 

[Chamber 1 and 2 are empty and both are adjoining. Both men enter a separate “war room”]

 

K Yesu: damn!!! I forgot my Kingsize “jot”. Now I have to endure this stench.

 

Yaw: hahahahahahahahha

 

K Yesu: “aboa funu”, are you laughing at my misfortune?

 

Yaw: no, I just saw something funny in the newspaper.

 

K Yesu: what? Did they put a picture of you in the newspaper? I am sure your picture must have caused havoc, panic and fear.

 

Yaw: at least I have not been restricted from entering any maternity ward in any hospital. There’s an embargo on you.

 

K Yesu: me? Why?

 

Yaw: well, apparently as soon as the newborns set their eyes on you, they die of convulsion, spasm and extreme fear.

The women in labour automatically have forced labour.

 

K Yesu: it appears you are still suffering from dementia.

 

Yaw: the funny article in the newspaper is about a guy complaining of his inability to perform his bedroom chores. Apparently his manhood looks like it was made in China. Very, very small.

 

K Yesu: Well I have one advice for him. He needs to get “ataya”, “esuru wisa”, “hwentea”, “Agya Appiah Aduro Ye “Bitters. Mix all together; let the concoction stand for about a day and then drink. If by 24 hours his “Kwaku azigiza” hasn’t increased ten folds, then he shouldn’t call me K Yesu. He should ask my wife, when I “spark” my “nikanika” it’s like Akosombo Dam has opened a spillway.

 

Yaw: hahahahaha! What advice do you have for one-minute men?

 

K Yesu: tie their “Kwaku little” with “etire bor ahuma”. The poor bastard will last for eternity.

 

Yaw: K Yesu, you are well versed in the art of sexology and other matters. Is that your only field of speciality?

 

K Yesu: “bisa mi asem biaaa”

 

Yaw: a big woman and a slim woman, what’s your choice?

 

K Yesu: “k3si3 50, Kitiwa 50”, why go for the small one when both are the same price?

 

Yaw: Star Beer, Guinness, Alvaro and “apeteshie”, which one is your favorite and least favorite?

 

K Yesu: “apeteshie” is my favourite because it’s cheap and has the same effect as any other liquor. I dislike alvaro because it gives “dwonso yadi3”

 

Yaw: IC Quaye and Mike Ocquaye, who will win most handsome award?

 

K Yesu: none, they both make mirrors crack.

 

Yaw: your favorite tourist destination?

 

K Yesu: Abidjan

 

Yaw: why?

 

K Yesu: Mapouka women…

 

Yaw: but women are not tourist attraction?

 

K Yesu: that’s only if they come from your village. They are seen as gods in your village.

 

Yaw: Your favorite football player.

 

K Yesu: Dada Don Bortey, unsuccessful at landing an international career, successful at stealing international artifacts.

 

Yaw: Favorite politician

 

K Yesu: Tony Aidoo

 

Yaw: why?

 

K Yesu: the only man who is intoxicated in his sober state.

 

Yaw: who is a headmaster’s best pal?

 

K Yesu: bursar and matron. You arrest one, you arrest all.

 

Yaw: How do you call a man who has high affinity for women with big booty?

 

K Yesu: J.A.K

 

Yaw: what’s J.A.K?

 

K Yesu: you want me in jail don’t you?

 

Yaw: who will win a 100m dash? Attah or a crippled tortoise?

 

K Yesu: a legless tortoise will still win anyway.

 

Yaw: how do you call an offspring of a white and black parent? 

 

K Yesu: Jerry

 

Yaw: do you believe the current inflation figure?

 

K Yesu: do you believe in fairy tales?

 

Yaw: favorite pastor?

 

K Yesu: Kristo Asafo, the only pastor who has UB Hair Relaxer.

 

Yaw: Most biased TV program.

 

K Yesu: “mmaa nkomo”, she never talks about skin bleaching and its adverse effect.

 

K Yesu: herh Yaw, pass me the “eburo dua”!!! I’m done!

 

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2 thoughts on “The Atonko Paradox – by Qouphy Appiah Obirikorang

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