I could see she was uncomfortable under my ardent gaze. She shifted her eyes and traced her fingers down the coffee cup like it was a new lover. I was 75. How in the name of swollen testicles did she expect me to be shy of her? I had proverbially seen and done it all. That innocent look did not fool me at all.
She made me uncomfortable. She was staring at me unblinkingly, like I was undergoing a scrutiny and my life depended on my pass. She looked fiery for a 75 year old. Her looks surprised me for more than a minute. You don’t always see old ladies in black shorts and red lipstick. You don’t ever see old ladies in shorts and red lipstick. I wondered what she was thinking of me
She had her mother’s eyes. And voice. And grace. But the boobs were definitely from her father’s side. We were small-chested. And damn proud of it. She was pretty and fierce. She was definitely a Kanni. Her jeans looked like it had been painted on her body. I wanted to ask her if her fanny was getting any air in them jeans, but I didn’t want to freak her out.
She was beginning to freak me out. Her eyes were travelling over every inch of my body. Like a new lover’s hands. An unwanted lover. I suddenly missed my mother. How dare she die and leave me! And why the fuck did she never introduce me to her mother before deciding to drop dead? I wanted to cry. I wanted to go back. I wanted my mother back.
“So, how many boys have you been with?” She asked
Her question totally threw me off. I was dumbfounded for a full second
I could see the question caught her off guard.
Oh come on, you cannot stitch this fabric to your ass and expect me to believe you’re a virgin, can you?
Anger replaced my fear. How dare she put me on the spot? She didn’t know me! Just because my jeans was a little bit tight didn’t mean I wasn’t a virgin! My conscious had suddenly jumped from pin prick to 16 inches deep. My non-virgin ass didn’t care that I was already deflowered.
“There, there, no need for hot emotions” She tapped my back. “Your nostrils are flaring like a superior mother camel”
“Let’s start this reunion all over again. We’ve already established who I am. What I’m going to be is what’s important.
I’m going to be the one who will teach to you challenge authority and question everything, and the same person who will remove 3 layers of skin from your buttocks when you challenge my authority. I’m going to teach you how to create disorder and how to embrace diversity. I’m going to be the one to make you hate generalizations and urge to stay banned despite being truthful. I’m going to be the granny panties that coaxed your ass into believing you were in a g-string. That’s who I’m going to be.”
“Now I’m going to need you to say this like it’s the most awesome thing ever; Grandma Kanni is the shit”
A giggle escaped from my dreary self. You could not not love this woman. She put her arms around me, and we walked towards her door…